Just lately I have felt the need to deactivate all my accounts. Everyday I sit and scroll through the same 3 apps bored out of my mind. I deleted all of my photos on Instagram yesterday. Seeing girls more pretty than myself turns me into an envious mess at times. Some days I feel beautiful, usually when I decide to actually make an effort for a change, shower, style my hair, and maybe even wear a bit of makeup. My partner prefers to see me natural but makeup gives me a bit of a confidence boost. However, on days like yesterday I felt sluggish and ever so ugly. Constantly comparing myself to these girls that upload a good selfie every day. I’m lucky enough to get one good selfie when I actually make an effort. My partner always asks me why I post selfies. I’m not sure really why, I’m not exactly searching for a lot of likes. When I make an effort with my appearance I don’t want to waste it, I want everyone to see me. These days don’t come too often. I like to keep this social persona that I’m outgoing and not sitting in my house in my pyjamas all day watching Supernatural. Even a selfie that I do really like I end up staring at it for too long and notice all of my flaws in the picture, then delete it. When I think about it I should remove my Instagram, all it does is make me dislike my appearance. Also my twitter, I rarely even post anything I just like to keep up with what everyone else is doing. If i deactivate my Facebook I know that i’m going to be flooded with questions from my family and friends to see if I’m okay, but they won’t believe me if I say I am. It’s not exactly the “social norm” to not have Facebook these days.
Does anybody else feel the way I do?
A response that I use almost everyday. Most of the time it is just easier to pretend that I’m okay and not to be flooded with the never ending questions that I can’t find the answers to. “Why do you feel this way?” I’m still searching for an answer.
I’ve seen several councillors throughout my life. None that have actually helped, in fact most of the time I felt worse after a session. Why? because I feel so hopeless that I can’t even provide any underlying issues. Since I can remember I have always felt this way for no apparent reason. Medication never helped me either. I’m beginning to believe that it is just my personality.
My greatest talent is this facade I’m able to put on when I am around people. It’s been a crazy few years, but I can hide it all with a smile. I made the big decision of moving miles away from my home town early this year, thinking that a fresh start would help me. I live with my partner who has actually helped me a lot, although I think that I’ve made him a bit depressed. Some of his family live in this area so he goes out with them a lot. Just lately I have been a bit more outgoing than I usually am, I believe I’ve had a good November. I even went out with his mom and her friend shopping without him just over a week ago. I never usually leave the house without him so I see this as progress. Since I have moved here I have stayed in the house almost everyday. Not 100% ready to go back to work but I think that I am getting there. Don’t get me wrong, I really would love to go back to work, but I need to learn how to cope with my illness before I end up back in hospital. He understands, and I deeply appreciate that. I feel safe with him, I could tell him with anything. But, for some reason I find myself keeping in my issues and not letting them out to him. Not because I don’t trust him because I 100% do, but he will make me feel better and I will get over it. So why don’t I talk to him sometimes when i’m upset? Because once I have gotten over it I’ll begin to realise how bad I overreacted and I will feel completely embarrassed, to the point where I completely loathe myself. I don’t want to constantly annoy him with my problems, he has been through things that I would consider to be far worse. To me my issues are these huge things but to others they would think i’m simply being dramatic. Almost every day I think about ending it, and sometimes I actually go through with it. Two overdoses, I’m simply being dramatic.